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12/09/92, Floodzone, Richmond,
VA----"This guard rail this evening, keeping you away from us 'cause understandibly you're rushing toward the stage
causing us fear and terror...was actually here from last night when Public Enemy played here...but you can see that it is
convienantly here for us because there is so much use for it. Umm...but you can get quite close, so if you care yo we're not
going to do anything unreasonable like cutting the heads off of chickens. It's a very clean show, a very clean show...occasional
bad language, but overall a clean show...with examples of cleanliness, this next song, it's called One Sweet World....If you
do find the urge to move forward, you don't have to dance but it would be nice because its a long way away."
06/09/93--(conversation between Dave
and Carter) Dave----I think tonights a good night for a daiquiri party....Its fuckin hot. I dont normally swear
at all, unless its fuckin hot. Then I say its fuckin hot over and over again. CarterIs it fuckin hot Dave? Dave----Fuckin
hot means its not fuckin cold, Carter, you fuckin idiot! Carter---Dave wants me to fuck him up! Dave----Janes my sister, shes
fuckin hot, and this is the Song that Jane Likes! Carter---You mean the fuckin Song that Jane Likes!
02/17/96--- "So
I was in Africa, I used to live in Africa for a while. anyway, I went to uh, I wa- a friend of mine who's here now- we were,
we went to this place and i wanna tell you a story, anyway there was elephants, and there were two of 'em. And one was a lady
elephant, and one was a gentleman elephant. This is just remarkable, 'cause they're big sunsabitches. And um, and so there's
the lady elephant who's bigger than the guy, but he's still pretty substantial, and um, and she was clearly not as interested
in the whole lovey dovey thing that he was into. So, she was haulin ass throught the african field(?). And I was up in this
campsite, I was lookin down, and um he's running right behind her. 'Cause see, this the thing that we don't have, it's a tail,
we don't have that, and the other thing we don't have is the thing you grab tails with. see? They have this trunk. So he's
grabbing it and doin like this thing, around her tail, and then he gets a good peanut grip on this thing, and wham, and he
just reeeeeeeled her in. But while that was all happening, the part that i just wanted to tell you, I don't know why, I'm
gonna tell you this, but I told a couple of people before, about two weeks ago- um, he had this other thing that was happenin',
it was real- cause he was kinda into the whole operation, I'll tell ya, I've never seen a unit like this in my life. This
thing was, this thing was knockin trees out of the way- it was all wom-wom- bouncin through the trees. He's hitting stones,
off, and he wasn't even, he wasn't even, goin 'oh geez!' just bff, bfff, bfff, bfff!!Anyway, then they went around the side
of the mountain, I'm assuming they caught eachother but, um I mean, I'm not sure so... I just wanted to tell you this guy
had the biggest dick I'd ever seen!"
02/19/96 UConn
"Some things really suck and um, and
uh, stubbing your toe or something. And one time I was on my way up through Africa on a bus with some friends and I'd been
eating a bunch of Fanta, orange and a bunch of those cheese puffs, and a bunch of beer for like 30 hours while we waited for
the bus. And then we were going up, and we were going up through Africa, and my stomach was a little...but I kinda wasn't
thinking about it cause ya know I was smokin' up and I was feelin all groovy and then, I was all sleeping, I was all resting
on my girlfriend and chillin'...yeaah. I'm half asleep I'm like a...not thinkin bout all them cheese puffs and all the Fanta
and all the beer (pretending to talk to his girlfriend), "Baby I love you baby, I'm gonna
make a fart right now baby, I'm gonna make a little fart now baby." (in regular voice),
that shit was all wrong man I crapped myself entirely! So then, so now I got an ass full of pants and the bus driver said
he wouldn't...an ass full of pants? What the hell is that? I got a pants full of shit or whatever. So then I'm goin up and
this is like the worst nightmare, you're in the middle of..it's HOT. It's Africa...HOT! And I'm really looking pissed. And
my friends Julia, and my girlfriend and my man back here Dolphy Jonden, I'm like (mumbling)
And he said, he started laughing and he couldn't talk now though cause he was laughing so hard, and she was laughing so hard.
So the bus driver I said "Man, you gotta stop". But see everyone's drinkin beer so the bus driver said "I'm not gonna stop
anymore, I'm not gonna anymore cause y'all are stoppin every ten minutes so you can piss, now we can't stop anymore." And
the poor African's guys behind me had to piss in beer cans and throw it out the window and it sprayed back in all the American
guys in the back..it was just a, it was really bad. And then, so I went up and said "Look man I gotta get out the bus, I gotta
get out the bus...seriously ya gotta stop the bus." He said "No, I'm not stopping till we get over the Zimbabwe border." I
said "Man, you GOT to." I wasn't gonna say to him, ya know, "look man, I shit myself! Ok I shit myself, just stop the goddamn
bus!" cause then he'd probably turn around and (in a weird voice) "Aye this guy crapped
his pants!" So, so I wasn't gonna say that so I went back and I was like ah man, this is the worst. And then God looked down
finally upon me, if there is one, and he was staring down at me and he happened to be looking at the bus at that time and
he happened to see through the window that I was having a lot of problems. And he was like "ahh uh...I'll just fuck the altimeter
up" is what he said to himself. So and then the lights went down and...so then I RAN out into the woods, I'm like "heee haw"
and so I stripped down and I threw those underpants way into the African bush. And then, I rolled my pants up..they were pretty
nasty y'all. But this isn't the end of the story yet, this is the good part...there's a good part to this story. I rolled
that shit up and I put it in a plastic bag and put it down the bottom of my bag, cleaned my stuff up...put my girlfriend's
shorts on and ok groovy...now I drank a bottle of Imodium and um, so I didn't crap for a week but I don't care, I don't ever
wanna shit again right now! And then, we go see the concert, and we were like (singing)
"yeah, free people, Amnesty International!" That's why we were going, we were going to see this concert at Amnesty International..and
we were like (singing) "yahh, freedom...what one is enough for all of us...yeah man!"
And then, so wait a second, so that gets done and then we go back to Africa and we get to the South African border, and just
before the grace of God set Nelson Mandelo free, uh that government there had some pretty rough beliefs, ya know. So uh they
got these police waiting there at the border..the South African border, and they're so psyched. All these hippie freaks fuckin...ya
know they're communists...they think we're all just communists, we got long hair, they hate us. And we're like, ya know, viva...So
they're thinkin "Ok what we'll do is we'll take these bags out of the bus and they say like (in an African-type
voice)" Everybody must stand next to your bag, and you're going to show us your bags". Ok and so I'm like ah
no, man, this is the end. How do I convince the cop not to look in my bag...cause I'm thinkin of the cop ya know, and there's
this big bald dude and I'm thinkin of him, and he's not thinkin of me at all, he's just thinking (in
an African-type voice again) "I'm going to find da drugs and I'm going to put him in jail!" So he gets to me
and I'm like "Look man, seriously, seriously, I got a..this is a shitty, shitty bag here. I got sick, I got sick in this bag
and you don't wanna go in this bag. So he opens that thing up and he's got the look of like (in an African
voice) "Oh, dis is my promotion!" Ya know, he zips that thing open and he whips that thing up and he's got,
he must've had a cold or something, cause the granola box exploded and it was all in there and then he went straight for that
plastic bag and he's like "ah ha" And he whipped that thing out and he said (makes distugsted noises)...
and then just headed off and he..there was like four other cops and they all finished the line and he just ducked he was just
so embarrassed and he was like "ooooh ahh"..it was awesome I was just like "yeah viva the revolution buddy!" The moral of
the story is, if ya know, cause I'm not like a promoter or a demoter, or anything...but if you were trying to get some shit
over the border, put it in some shit ya know!"
(Before Lover Lay Down) "This hand is driving me fucking crazy, I tell ya!..So,
i work for this record company, they're called, well, I dunno, they have a dog though, anyway..And uh, there's this lady,
um, who works for the record company, now she's moved to London. She was really pretty, she was really gourgous, and so I
all, all nice to her and stuff. We were recording our first album up in Woodstock, and uh, um, the lady came up to visit,
the lady from the record company. She was fine, looking good, showing that thing off. And then, we're in the kitchen, I was
in the kitchen, 'cause you know, everyone always ends up in the kitchen at parties. Uh, and, there were a bunch of us there,
but we were off in a corner, you know, getting that thing going, working that thing. Uh, and then I noticed that she had this
little booger on her nose. So, I didn't want to say, cause she was real pretty, you know if it was my friend I would have
said, hey Bill you got a big booger on your nose. But this was a pretty girl so I didn't want to say HEY, you're looking good
and all, but you got a big booger on your nose. So I said, you have something here. You got something here, you know. So,
she went like this, and then she had this big old booger. She had this big-ass-cross-the-nose- two-year-old-nightmare booger.
Swimming pool green booger. So, I did what any good citizen would do, I grabbed that booger. I just said WHAM! And I put that
shit under the kitchen counter, I was like yea, got rid of that nasty booger. So, I got boogers, I got boogers. So, if you're
ever in a place, and a friend of yours has a booger, then you should go, you should'nt say nothing, cause you feel bad about
telling them, you gotta tell them. Also, one time, I was in this swimming pool with this really beautiful woman named Tanya
Smithers, and she was a girl, well a woman, cause I was 14 at the time. She was looking all good, looking like one of those
Playboy models, coming out of the water, and I was waiting for her at the surface. And she came out, and she had this big
old nasty booger. I was like, daaammn!! That was so big I couldn't even talk to her, I just said, I gotta get the fuck out
of this! That's a big booger, man!
01/14/97 Neuticles are a thing
they got in California... so, so, cuz ya know they really care about the people in California, in California...and the people
they care the most about, are the dogs, ya see, so, they really care about their dogs in California, so, so when you take
your dog in to get his..., the big slice, so he won't go around terrorizing the neighborhood, with that big ole pink thing
of his...then uh....what you do, they just, they just... it's called neuticles! So when he leaves, he doesn't feel embarrased...that
he has no balls. They put these fake balls on 'em...so he's not...so he remains well adjusted...but I'm thinking, if I could,
well...I was gonna say...(mumble mumble)...A dog licks its balls. So when a dog licks its balls...they're
his balls, and he knows they're his balls, but when he gets down there, and he's licking his balls, and he goes hey! ... these
aren't my balls...then he's gonna bite the balls off. And so... if that doesn't happen when California falls into the ocean,
which is gonna be a terrible day, but when it does, at least they'll be able to find all the dogs, cuz they'll just look for
the neuticles..ya know...And another thing... I was thinking, if I had a chiuaua, and I was in California, I'd have him neutered,
and I'd give him the balls of a Great Dane... and then when he'd go struttin' through, the park...What are you srtuttin' for
PUNK?! (and the chiuaua would point to his balls...Dave kinda imitated that...)
02/08/98, Virginia Tech,
Blacksburg, VA---- "I got a story about boogers for you a little bit later. It's a combination of romance and boogers
and it's not spitting in your hand and abusing yourself either. It's just- it's just romance and boogers. Young puppy puppy
love and boogers"... "There was a girl i was really into when i was about 15, 14. She was 15, 14. It's ok to say that, when
i was 15 or 14. When i was 14. Let's say 14. She had this little...little 14 year old body and it was very nice. Next thing
you know i'll be on Jenny Jones talking about 14 year old's bodies. (dave giggles like a school girl).
Umm...but, uh...I was so into her. I was trying everything in my power to get to her. To get to young Tanya and than i had
it one day. I was aiming at kissing at that stage so closing the deal would have been to suck on her lips a bit, but umm...i
was swimming in the pool and we were all having fun and stuff and it was cold and it was a hot day and than- than she was
comin' out of the water like in the ads like the magazines. I was so excited, i was all excited. And she had the biggest,
nastiest green booger hangin' out of her nose!!! It was a panic reaction I mean. My-my. What i wanted to say was 'Jesus- Jesus
Christ there is a huge nasty booger hangin' but what i said was 'you got- you got a little somethin, you got a little somthing
here' but there was nothing small about it. Still to this day she has no idea that that happened. So it took me about four
and a half years to recover but i close the deal four and a half years later/ By which time kissing wasn't the only thing
on my mind. Romance, Puppy Love and Boogers!"......
05/30/98, Alpine Valley, Troy,
WI----(upon kicking a beach ball and hitting some guy in the second row in the head)
..."I'm truly sorry, I meant to kick it way up there, but fuck I never played soccer."...."I don't know about you all,
but this has been one fuckin rememberal night for me."
05/31/98, Riverport Amphitheatre,
St. Louis, Missouri----"How's everybody doin' tonight...are the beers cold?..is everything burning the way it should
burn?" ...(near the end of The Stone, Dave's strings broke, as they brought him another guitar)
"I wish I played the tuba, no strings to fuck up on the tuba!" Maybe I should take up the tuba, no strings to pluck on that
little mother fucker."...(At the end of the song) "Hope you'll having a good time even
though I come here with my shit all busted."... "Sometimes I feel like a nut"
09/01/02, Alpine Valley, East Troy, WI
"And of course again I dont know what it is about this building, but I look
at it and say this is my favorite place to play, favorite place. " ----(off mic)---- "I dont
know what those crazy motherfuckers are cheering about sheeit, I was talking about the building sheeit"
04/03/03, Purdue University, W.Lafayette,
IN "Imagine, if uh, all of a sudden we all fell to the ceiling. That would freak us all out. We're just
all hangin out here all of a sudden, whoa! duge! whaa! How do you explain that? Creepy.
"Thanks again everybody I hope youre all enjoyin yourselves this evening.
I think that the reason that the lights are on is so that the cameras can see you. I've been pretty cool about the cameras
but then the one time the one camera was right over here, and um and then I was a little (?) The secret of like he couldve
punched me and I had no time to get into my defensive stance. You know he could have goosed me. Then that would have changed
the note a little bit. Hey! Thats what you look like when you get goosed sometimes Hey! yup mm hmm yea. Sorry if
I ramble sorry if I dont anounciate clearly its because I only just learned to speak English, taken lessons for Jackie Chan.
Thats my man right there, Jackie Chan. Only person that could kick his ass is Chang Kwan Kang? from from Kung Fu. That
that guy could kick Dolla Sevens and Arnold Schwarzenager's ass, everybody's ass would get kick by, and he'd
do it quietly too. He'd be he'd go um he'd go like this...Why does the why does why does the whip-will-whipper...and then
he'd beat his ass, with like a car, pick up a wagon WHAA! and chop the wagon in half and then rip 007's head off and
then dive off the mountain and land ontop of Jackie Chan. And Im not talkin about the next generation or whatever or
the legend continues...No It DoesnT...that show is weak. Im talkin about the Kung Fu. The original one where hes
walkin in the dessert, kickin cowboys asses. Yes, China representin.
"Yea I got a little frog in my throat tonight, so maybe Ill
work a little Joe Cocker thing tonight for ya'll. Ill do my best here. Thanks for havin us, we have a plan for tonight we
figure we'll start pretty mellow and then and then fizzle out altogether. Its part of my philosophy of life which is
this (Dave shruging) Ya know sometimes I feel it more strongly ya know, then it looks
little more like this (Shrug) Then sometimes its accompanied with a sound
like EH, which I feel like sometimes wraps it all up pretty nicely, for me in a neat package with a bow on it.
"Yea todays the, the phrase of the day is Meat Sweat.
I think it has something to do with eating too much meat nothing else so for those of you who are deviant, then just keep
to themselves. Thank you very much for comin again. Oh we got some cameras here too, hope that somethin good happens. So I
hope theyre not to envasive if they are ya know, register your complaints with Yo Mama!"
"Yea, PuRRRdUUUUUUUUe"
"As hard as it may be to believe apparently the example
that is available on the digital community, ive never been there but my brother tells me some the highway out there ive never
been on the highway. Anyway, apparently in the uh, what im , with the, the jist, the punchline of the story is that
if you if you need to pee, ya got to go. Theres lots of opinions about this, but my brother I wish I could remember the King
and I wish I could remember the man who was
beefore the King at the time he died of a burst bladder. But uh apparently what happend was apparently what happend was that
ya know he was with the King, this guy, poor fellow and there was a feast goin on. And ya know I think there are times when
there have been times or prior occassion or still times when feasts can go on for quite a time and ya know (a few in the crowd start yelling and clapping) and the wine was flowing... anyway, oh
come on, not there yet, (crowd laughs) Bear with me! Its sickingly boring just hope it
ends sooner, than later. So out of great respect for his highness, the young man although he needed to pee didnt ya know,
say, your highness I gotta take a leak. He didnt, he apparently felt that was not worthy of the behavior of when
in presence of the King, so he didnt go to the bathroon and of course if the wine is being poured at the request of the King
then you drink wine. So he was drinkin wine and it was a big feast as I say I dont know if it went on for days but it went
on for quite awhile. And um and then sadly his demise came when
he dropped dead at the table cuz his bladder blew, his bladder br I speak English, I learned it
in a book. His bladder burst killing them, killing the fellow. Now Im a bottomless pit of useless information. I am.
And I share it cuz I can."
"Once upon a time....Once upon a time, peace ran all overthe
world, and then some monkey climbed out of the tree shaved his legs and and everything spiraled out of control from there.
Hopefully we can find our way back into that tree one day. I like climbin trees. Im a good climbin tree. Shimmy shimmy shimmy.
Thats right. I once was watching a monkey up in a tree. This particular kind of monkey has uh bright blue set of testicles
and when I say bright blue I mean HM bright blue and uh bright red penis. And he sat there on the tree, sporting an erection.
And just and just tapped away at the tree branch, with his little monkey boner. Yea, I was like right on. Thats what I said
to him, he wasnt paying attention really. Dont mess with a monkey, cuz theyre tougher than they look. My sister saw a big
baboon steal a tuna sandwhich from a German in Capetown. The mon, the the sorry the baboon was up his back down his back sandwhich
in hand before the German even moved, but then the German moved, and quickly, flayling, very un-German of him, she says. "
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